10 Tips on Managing Difficult Conversations
Mar 31, 2025
Difficult conversations are often avoided because people like to avoid stress, making others or themselves uncomfortable or because there is a fear of confrontation. However, conflict will naturally arise and it is often through these conversations that valuable lessons are learned and insightful information shared.
This article is designed to help you manage such conversations as someone who wishes to raise a concern and as the other person who is being accused.
When you need to raise a concern
- Be strategic.
Fraught emotions and a desire to not be labelled a ‘bad person’ can cause a challenging conversation to venture into other areas. This might include, bringing up other times when you felt the person behaved badly or what other people have said about them. This seldom helps in reaching a solution. Instead, focus on your endpoint. Know your goal in having the conversation. As an example, if you want the person to use your full name instead of a nickname they randomly allocated to you, keep this in mind instead of talking about the number of people in the office who gossiped about them behind their backs. This is only likely to cause the accused to dig their heels in and fire back. Stay focused on your goal, which in this instance is to get them to call you by your preferred name.
- Know when you’re fighting a losing battle and quit whilst you are ahead.
Sometimes people get extremely defensive or emotional and will not hear anything being said. It can often leave you feeling emotionally sore. You can see that no matter what you say, the person is insistent on only hearing their own voice. Sometimes people might become emotionally abusive. It is important in these instances to prioritise your mental wellbeing. You might tell the person that you can see now is not the best time to have this conversation and that you will leave it for another time. Do not point out their abusive behaviour or unwillingness to listen because this may make things worse. Go and do something that will take the edge off the stress in that moment such as talking to a trusted friend, having a cup of tea or writing in your journal.
- Acknowledge that people get defensive when their sense of identity is threatened.
As humans, we generally like to see ourselves as good people who are worthy of love. We often fear being seen as the opposite ‘A bad person who is unworthy of love,’ because when we are not seen as good, there is often a disconnect and an underlying feeling of a lack of belonging and love (both of which are human needs). How we feel and think about ourselves forms part of our identity. You want to ensure as much as possible that the words you use do not communicate that the person is bad or unworthy of love. This means avoiding personal attacks such as “That was such a clumsy statement to make.” Instead, focus on how what the person did made you feel.
- Blame and shame have no place in the conversation.
Just as with the last point, blaming and shaming people often causes them to become defensive because people feel their identities are being attacked and therefore they are much more likely to shut down or fire back. It is common to believe that shaming people will motivate them to change their behaviour but research shows this just is not true.
“In many cases, shaming not only fails to induce compliance but incites a backlash, provoking resistance and worsening human rights practices…” Rochelle Layla Terman, Department of Political Science at The University of Chicago
Therefore no matter how internally satisfying, resist the urge to shame or blame others.
- Show concern and ask questions to identify what the person is fearing and show empathy.
Sometimes people are angry or defensive when they are accused because they are masking a fear. Try to see beyond how they are reacting to identify the fear so that you can react in an empathetic way.
For instance, if you have fed back that a colleague’s hygiene practices need evaluating, this person becomes agitated and accuses you of being a nasty person, try to ignore the insult and understand what they are feeling. They might be quite embarrassed and feel as though everyone else thinks they are dirty and should be avoided. In this case, you might say “You are such a kind and caring person who is adored in the office. I know this may not feel great right now but I know you respect honesty and would prefer to be told than not.” This response speaks to the person’s desire to be liked and accepted and their value of honesty.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.” Brene Brown
When you are accused
- Slow down your thinking
When our brains experience a threat, the blood rushes to the emotional centre (the limbic system) and away from our pre-frontal cortex (the thinking part of our brains). This leads to irrational thinking. The danger of this is that we can then resort to calling people offensive names, intentionally hurting the other person to make them feel as bad as you do, victim blaming and general bad behaviour. All of these are totally avoidable. When you recognise you are triggered by what someone has said, take 5-10 deep breaths. Doing this will allow the blood to flow back to your pre-frontal cortex and cause you to function more rationally.
- Admit when you are not in an emotionally fit place to have the conversation.
If you are overwhelmed by feelings such as defensiveness, anger and/or embarrassment, it is likely if you continue the conversation, your words will come from a very irrational part of the brain (the limbic system). Explain that the conversation is important to you but you don’t feel you are in a suitable emotional place to have the conversation in the moment. Instead, suggest a time and a place to continue the dialogue. Ensure that it is no longer than 24 hours later, as any longer can be problematic in remembering details and the person may believe the issue is not important to you, further causing a raft and mistrust.
- Resist the urge to defend and be curious
When a person gives you feedback, they are generally not trying to attack you. They are trying to tell you about the hurt they have experienced. Therefore, resist the urge to explain and defend your comment or action. Accept that it caused harm. Become curious and listen actively. If you don’t understand, it’s okay to ask questions. Repeat what the person has said to be sure you heard it correctly. If you are struggling to control your emotions, it is perfectly fine to acknowledge and thank the person for bringing this up, stating that this is important to you and that you would like to arrange a better time to discuss it.
- Entertain what is being said (even if just for a moment).
Often when we are certain the other person is wrong, we don’t take the time to consider their point. Even if you are adamant that they are wrong and you are right, for a moment try giving them the benefit of the doubt by entertaining the accusation.
When you do this, ask yourself, “What would it mean if this were true?” What would be the implication for both of you?” Doing this allows you to have some insight into what the other person is saying. At the very least, you can develop empathy for their point of view. You might also see fault in how what you said or did caused harm.
- Appreciate the lesson, no matter how difficult.
If deep down inside, you know the person is right, realise that the feedback they are giving you is valuable. Though it may not feel good in the moment, they are telling you something that others may not have in the past. In this instance, acknowledge that it cannot have been easy for the person to make this statement and that they are offering you a valuable teaching moment. Thank the person for telling you, even though it might not feel very nice to hear the feedback.
For instance, if in the past you thought it was totally fine to touch a black woman’s hair as you saw it as a compliment but you are now being told it is highly offensive, instead of firing back in defence, genuinely apologise, vow to never do it again and move on.
Conclusion
By sharing your concern about the other person’s behaviour or words, you are honouring yourself and exercising self-respect. This is character-building and in the long term can be very good for your emotional wellbeing. However, choose your battles wisely as not all conversations are worth the potential consequences.
We are all fallible humans and make mistakes. Blundering does not equate to you being a bad person. Often people fear being accused because they can’t fathom the idea of being embarrassed, or seen as less-than. The fear is often worse than the reality. If you have been confronted, once you have said sorry and vowed to change your behaviour, forgive yourself and move on. It is not the end of the world and often people will have more respect for you when you can act in this emotionally intelligent manner.
Rest assured that as humans we are naturally caring. Therefore (for the most part) our default is to be compassionate and empathetic. So even though you’ve experienced this unfortunate event, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
“The emotion of care comes naturally to us, because without it our species would not be able to survive. This means that the capacity to feel affection and interconnection is a part of our biological nature. Our brains are actually designed to care.” Kristin Neff, PhD, author of ‘Self-Compassion - The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself’
Talking about racism can seem difficult and uncomfortable. This CPD accredited course provides a foundational education on racism to help to increase racial literacy which includes building confidence to speak about and deal with issues concerning race. It provides a language through which meaningful conversation can take place (particularly in the workplace).
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