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I Was Terrified of Speaking to White Men

adult ego state fear of the other transactional analysis workplace Sep 14, 2022

Do you remember that time you met the CEO in the lift and your bones suddenly turned to jelly as you struggled to make small talk?

  • You were stuttering
  • Under your armpits were dripping
  • You were praying for the lift to go faster

Your anxiety levels were off the charts. What do I say? What do we have in common? What if I say something stupid?

When you have felt like that, you were probably in your child-ego state. A quick explanation of Transactional Analysis Theory to make this make sense. When communicating with others, we all act, think and feel in one of three states (according to the person or situation):

  • Parent ego state – being like parents/parental figures (authoritarian)
  • Adult ego state – responding to the present as an adult (where we want to be)
  • Child ego state – being like we were as children (submissive)

When you were in your child ego state, maybe you feared

  • Being told off
  • Getting something wrong
  • Asking a question

Yes, even in the midst of our professional lives, we can still revert to thinking, feeling and behaving in a childlike manner and often we are not aware!

Not having this awareness can stunt your growth and development, especially when it comes to building connections with other people. This can also happen when we fear ‘the other’.

Admit it, how many times when in the company of someone you little in have common with (because they are seemingly so different to you), have you,

  • Been quite cold when they have spoken to you as you were suspicious of their motives?
  • Not initiated a conversation because you were scared it might reveal your bias?
  • Pretend you didn’t see them to avoid having to engage?

I’ve done all these things.

However, this saying sums up what this behaviour represent.

“A lack of knowledge, is a lack of power.” Scholar Bruce Lipton

 

When you do not have enough knowledge about the nature of different people and relationships, I argue it is very difficult for you to be in your adult ego state, because often in the presence of people who are very different to ourselves, we are in a place of fear.

I’m just going to say it, I used to find myself stuttering, palms sweating, and tongue frozen when speaking to most white men. I would just feel intimidated. Most likely because as a child, the only white men I knew were scary figures of authority like headteachers, lawmakers and the police.

This subconscious trepidation travelled with me to adulthood.

  • It stopped me from making connections at networking events.
  • It stunted my growth when negotiating contracts
  • It paralysed me into a stupor during casual conversations.

Things changed for me when I began to study the psychology of cultural connections about 15 years ago. Suddenly I became fascinated with how we ALL use our cultural frame of reference to judge others. This in turn affects how we do (or don’t) make connections. Boom!

This learning nicely led to delivering cultural awareness training for teachers and the rest is history.

As time has gone one, I have built upon, crafted my teachings and gone on to help thousands of people to use their adult-ego state with their newfound knowledge on how to navigate culturally and racially diverse relationships.

With a first degree in Arts Practice and Cultural Policy, and a post graduate certificate in Community Engagement, I never imagined it would be my personal experience that would provide the light bulb moment to helping others navigate cultural relationships.

Now, I easily speak with and train white men and others without missing a heartbeat. We are all fallible humans and are vulnerable to our irrational fears. When we take time to learn more about managing relationships with the ‘other’, we give ourselves the gift of being who we truly are:

Amazing, adaptable, accepting adults.

For many, talking about race and racism prompts them to turn back out the door, but this is not a solution to dealing with difficult issues and challenges concerning race. Enrol your staff in our CPD accredited Time to Talk about Race or Understanding Microaggressions – the subtle racism online courses.

As always, I wish you nothing but success

Rebbecca your creating cultural harmony guide

P.S. Birmingham Hippodrome Theatre have revised their recruitment policy to attract more ethnic minority staff and it’s working. Will your company be next?

 

 

Talking about racism can seem difficult and uncomfortable. This CPD accredited course provides a foundational education on racism to help to increase racial literacy which includes building confidence to speak about and deal with issues concerning race. It provides a language through which meaningful conversation can take place (particularly in the workplace).

Time to Talk about Race Online Course

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